Saturday, September 4, 2010

Good vs. Evil (cogitation blog post)

I'm overtired and hurt all over. Can't sleep more than an hour at a time. Finally gave in and just took a pain pill. Haven't taken one since three days after I had that tooth pulled, but I also haven't really slept much at all since Wednesday. Waiting for the pill to kick in. Hoping I will finally be able to reach that place in sleep that blankets the physical pain.

But--I didn't come back to piss and moan about my mundane pain issues. I wanted to talk about The Road! Would really love to read this book, that's for sure! :)

The Road is an "after the nuclear holocaust" movie about a man and his young son trying to survive and I won't reveal the plot beyond that. (I loved it, BTW!!) But, since I couldn't sleep, I was lying in bed thinking about good vs. evil--a personal battle of mine from birth.

I think there's a lot of the warrior in my soul. Maybe the warrior lies within each of us? My warrior has always been with me in my dreams--since childhood. Strong, powerful, violent--a vanquisher of evil. The warrior in me rises up to protect the weak--be it animal or human--be it dreams or waking life. I may not feel the urge to protect myself--even in my dreams--but I am beyond fear in protecting others. I can't tell you how many times in my life I have trembled uncontrollably after a confrontation or emergency where I was needed--after the crisis had passed and everyone was safe--and I could step back--collapse. Sometimes--looking back--I was amazed by what had transpired--what was done automatically--without conscious thought--like a knee-jerk reaction of my soul.

I have never yet had to resort to the physical violence of my dreams in my real life. But I have been the occasional deadly violent dreamer--ever since I can remember. When Dagan was a baby--in one dream--with my bare hands I ripped open a person's throat who wanted to kill him. And yet in real life--a was always handing him over to God.

Hence my perpetual internal battle between good and evil.

My belief in the power of good is carved into the bones of my being. But evil is just as real--and has great power of its own. Earth is a place of contrasts--a battleground between good and evil. I believe I have kept asking to come back here--because there is nothing like it! Souls are tested by fire here--moulded by choice--free to rise or fall--shine brightly or dissolve into the darkness. A place of heart-stopping beauty, soul-lifting love, and awe--as well as the hate, cruelty, ugliness, and fear almost beyond comprehension. Earth is a testing ground for souls. A place to discover who you truly are and what your soul is made of. By choice.

The gift of choice is not an easy one to bear. The hundreds and thousands of small choices we make every day are just as important in defining our souls as the few huge decisions we make in a lifetime--probably much moreso. Our choices bump up against each other--large and small. We're constantly effecting the people around us--and creating influences on them with their choices--positive or negative. Ahhh...chaotic, seductive, difficult, painful, scary, glorious choice.

Anyways, back to the movie. The movie made you think. What would you do? How far would you go to protect those you love? To stay alive? What lines would you cross? Or would you cross them? Is mere animal survival enough? Is it enough to limit your love to one person?

And it was clearer to me why I disliked that movie Unthinkable. There was no goodness--no God--in that movie. No hope. No light. I have been up close and personal with evil--several times. The warrior in me is a champion for goodness and light. I know. I have been tested. The light is always there. I have seen it!!

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My soul will not leave without a fight. I will stand up and look evil in the eye--and try to remind it of the light--see the glimmer of light within the evil. Whether it works or it doesn't--I don't want to join that side. I'll die first. I hope and pray--for my soul's sake--that I would allow myself to be killed rather than switch sides just to stay here. Maybe I have done it so many times in past lifetimes that the shame of that lesson runs deep?

I have been close enough to feel the hot breath--have looked evil in the eye--and spoken of love, God, right and wrong--bared my soul to evil. Sometimes the best response was silence--or appealing to their better nature. The rapists, a man trying to drown a puppy (I was 10), a man threatening to shoot me if I left him, another threatening to strike me with an iron skillet (or butcher knife, I can't remember and it didn't matter to me at the time), a repairman pinning me against the wall, another one advancing with a knife, people on violent acid trips, a hammer thrown at my head, another threatening to run us into a telephone pole if I left him, malicious employers, women who hated my guts and spread lies, one woman cut off all my hair...I'm sure there are more incidents I can't possibly remember them all. I cannot say I've had a dull life.

When I was taking the Human Services Tech course I asked to always have them give me the worst they had when we went to our on the job training spots. I wanted to know what I could actually handle. I prefer to face things head on--whether I like it or not. So--at the Anoka State Mental Hospital I was assigned to the lock-up ward for the weeks I was there. The employees warned me not to spend very much time in the day room and told me I could spend time helping them in the office. But, of course, I spent all my time in the day room--except for staff meetings I was required to attend. So they warned me about this big, angry-looking man who paced up and down the long hallway with his hands clasped behind his back--all day long. They told me he was very violent--a rapist--don't look him in the eye--don't talk to him--stay away from him.

I'd been raped, so I had no trouble following those orders.

One afternoon while I was standing chatting with a patient who was admitting to me for the first time that she heard voices, that angry pacer man suddenly entered the day room at a fast clip and walked straight up to me--invaded my space--nose a couple inches from mine. I didn't flinch or back away. We stared into each other's eyes.

"Are you good.....or are you evil?", he inquired in a baiting tone.

"Well, I hope I'm good." Our eyes were locked. "I try very hard to be a good person."

We stared. Suddenly his eyes were not as empty as he wished them to be.

He turned and walked away as four orderlies raced thru the dayroom door.

And he paced the hallway as if nothing happened.

A couple of days later, while I was at lunch, he attacked a fellow patient and almost choked him to death in the dayroom. Took more than the four orderlies to pull him off. The pacer was sent to St. Peter (for the criminally insane)--where the poor soul should have been in the first place, if you ask me. They watch them very closely there. I felt he lacked self-control and he knew it. Sad. He believed he was evil. I've always wondered if he was allowed enough room to pace?

Good and evil.

I believe in the power of good. Doesn't matter to me if evil makes temporary gains down here. Wouldn't honestly matter to me if I was killed by evil here--or disease, or accident. It really doesn't matter how you die. It matters how you live. We don't have much choice about how we leave. But--rich or poor--free or not--we still choose every single moment how we live.

These are the kinds of things I think about. Ask anyone who knows me. :)

Is it any wonder why I have been so happy with my quiet life these past few years? ROFL!! Maybe I have earned these more peaceful years--a time for rest. But the battle of my soul rages on...within a myriad of small choices each and every day. :):)

My dearest wish for you? For me? For humanity? Wise choices.

But be prepared for battle. There's no one to fight for your soul but you. Or maybe me, if I am nearby enough to draw my sword! ;)
Love and light!! :):)